good morning, hank. it’s sunday. on tuesday i’m going to announce your punishment and discuss the political situation in pakistan, but today we discuss a matter of pressing international importance: the twilight saga *theme plays* so hank before i begin discussing twilight, i have to give the guys of nerdfighteria, all 42 of you, a brief summary of the series. ok, so there’s a new girl in school and boy does her blood smell good! which, of course, would be irrelevant to most of us but most of us aren’t edward cullen, hot, hot, hot, vampire.
edward cullen looks like he’s 17, but he’s 107 years old and he’s a vampire, so he’s dangerous, but he’s also very chivalrous because he comes from the old school, because he’s 107 years old. and he’s beautiful, and his eyes change color, and he’s got super sexy puff. also he sparkles when he’s in the sunshine. and apparently this is what girls want us to be: sparkly, non-farting, 107 year olds in 17 year old bodies. so anyway then this 107 year old gets in a relationship with a 16 year old girl which for some reason isn’t wrong. now hank, before i talk about how much i love twilight,i want to explain why it’s wrong for adults to have romantic relationships with teenagers. it’s not because we look old. it’s because we are old. it’s not a question of the young-ness and chiseled-ness of your pecs, it’s a question of how many times you’ve been around the sun. also in the twilight books this girl bella really needs dudes to take care of her, because she is like completely crazy without them.
and you almost get the feeling from reading the books that like a woman can’t be whole until she has a strong, independent man in her life to take care of her. when, of course, the fact is a woman needs a strong man to take care of her like a fish needs a bicycle. i mean just ask the yeti: hey sarah! yeti: yeah? john: do you need a man who can bench press your body weight in order to feel whole? yeti: obviously not. *laughs* "obviously not" and that’s not because she’s a big girl either.
all that said, now and again a fantasy world comes along that is so engrossing and exciting and intoxicating that you never even stop to think like: â€“ isn’t it a little bit, you know, criminal for 107 year olds to have relationships with 16 year old girls? and for me and millions others such is the case with twilight. you just wanna keep turning the pages because while you’re reading the books, nothing matters more to you than the question of whether of not they will finally, you know, do it. there i said it! and yes i think edward and bella’s relationship dynamics are troubling and that you shouldn’t conflate obsession with love. but we all romanticize the people we adore, particularly in high school, and edward cullen and jacob black are both really well idealized romantic others.
and by well idealized romantic others i, of course, mean that they are hot. so hank, i just saw new moon, the movie, and to be honest i thought it was kinda stupid, but it reminded me what i really do like about twilight. it’s fun, it distracts me from the pain and brokenness of the world, and it argues that true love will triumph in the end. which may or may not be true, but if it’s a lieit’s the most beautiful lie we have. that’s why i think the question of whether harry potter or twilight is better is, as the buddhists would say; aâ question wrongly asked. as series, i don’t think they’re after the same goals, and i like to think that we could read broadly enough to live in a world that includes both of them and more. you know, like my books. so hank that’s my review. i think the books are insanely fun to read, i thought the movie was pretty stupid, although jacob black is insanely v-shaped in his torso. i’m sure the conversation will continue in comments. nerdfighters, don’t forget to be awesome. hank, i will punish you on tuesday.
and yes, hank, because i’m discussing twilight today,i left a button unbuttoned.